“You can’t handle the truth!” Doctor Momento says into the mirror, with a beef leg in one hand and a Diet Dr. Immediately after the jaw-dropping performance, the audience was delighted to see that the second intermission had begun, which consisted of a 25-minute highlight reel of the best scenes from Christopher Nolan’s 2000 psycho-sexual thriller, Momento. Thanks, throat cancer, for all the memories. A performance made all-the-more haunting with his fancy new voice apparatus. Slick Kilmer wasted no time, quickly throwing himself head-first into a 15-minute acoustic version of “Rum Tum Tugger” from the hit Broadway musical Cats. Just as audiences begin to munch on this titillating morsel of smut, the first intermission was upon us – nearly two hours into the six-hour affair.Īfter the whole theater pissed so good and thick, we quickly scurried back to our seats just in time to see Sir Val Kilmer take center stage. A load for a load makes the whole world cream. As if that isn’t juicy enough, the child is 100% human! And Mexican?Īny viewer worth half a shit can quickly rule out our heroine Maverick as the father.Īs the movie progresses, it is quickly established that Tom Cruise is a power-Dom girth-hoarder who subdues any Twink reckless enough to cross his path. The last time we saw Bumblebee was during the after-credits scene in Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon when The Yellow Trickster slyly winks at the camera, revealing a positive pregnancy test in the reflection of his computer eye. ![]() Tom Cruise meets up with an old friend, and audiences are faced with a scientific, ethical, and moral dilemma: Who is the father of Bumblebee’s child? ![]() May Pan truly reign for 1,000 eons, as prophecy has foretold.Īfter the dust settles, we enter the second act of the film. ![]() While the carnage rained down, I was pleased to see the entire audience on their feet as the Boeing F/A-18 Super Hornet dropped cinder blocks on crowds of heretics. In fact, during one particularly gruesome montage, all those who do not adhere to the teachings of Pan are brutally dispatched into a pink mist of gore. That’s right eagle-eyed viewers will immediately recognize that this blockbuster hit is celebrating the rebirth of Pan! As many of you know, the Greek God of nature has laid dormant for over 2,000 years, and he is back in a major way. Right off the bat, Maverick’s Day Out starts with a bang.Īs soon as the lights go down, moviegoers are treated to the familiar sounds of Tom Cruise reciting an ancient incantation to invoke The Green Man. Now that we have established that the movie makes noise let’s get into the dirty details of what makes this Plane Showcase so haunting. ![]() Very threatening to my sobriety.įortunately, AMC Theatres has recently implemented roving bands of Scream Squads to silence any train-spooked youths, and nobody is safe from their unique brand of corporal punishment. When I was a kid, movies had sounds maybe once every three scenes? These days, movies consist of non-stop train whistles, Goose screams, and wind chimes. As soon as I walked into the theater, the sheer volume was staggering. Now, to be completely vulnerable with you: I haven’t seen the first Top Gun, but I think it’s fair to assume it is just as loud as this movie. Don’t fret, my sweets you can sleep peacefully knowing your prayers have been answered. Grab your Goose flares and leave your kids at the bowling alley because Top Gun is oozing into theaters one last time.įor nearly six decades, Gunners have patiently waited to see what will happen to Maverick, Goose, Saint John The Tickler, Rachel Dratch, and the rest of the crew aboard the S.S.
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